


Darth Maul's Dastardly Diary

by aheshke



Series: Star Wars Crack Universe [1]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Crack, Diary/Journal, Experimental Style, Humor, OOC Darth Maul, Other, Very Secret Diary, and you know I like grayish force users, honestly what was he up to for so many decades?, so here's some nonsense enjoy, updated whenever i get around to writing more VSD entries for him, yes i know there's stuff in legends about him but consider: maulie badly needed a vacation
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-12
Updated: 2020-07-11
Packaged: 2021-03-04 23:21:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 469
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25214593
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aheshke/pseuds/aheshke
Summary: Extracts of Darth Maul's Very Secret Diary, an account of what happened to one of the galaxy's most iconic villains after his presumed death on Naboo.
Series: Star Wars Crack Universe [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1641670
Kudos: 3





	Darth Maul's Dastardly Diary

**Author's Note:**

  * For [the Avosquado](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=the+Avosquado).



_[Encrypted Location File, historical document follows]_

Dear Diary,

Today I awoke after extensive reconstructive surgery that allowed me to obtain a datapad for myself and start keeping this log as proof of my continued existence, lest my former master decides to finish the job Obi-Wan Kenobi failed to do.

For all the fanfare of being the first Sith to duel a Jedi in a thousand years, it’s rather frustrating that all I got was a truncectomy for my troubles.

How did I survive, you ask?

Well, you see, first all I remember was falling and trying to use the force to keep my entrails where they rightfully belong. Apparently, I fell into some swampy water, which is very unbecoming for a Sith, but I don't remember landing in it due to being knocked unconscious.

When I awoke, a strange, cloaked Gungan was helping me drink a vile-tasting fish broth and caring for my wounds. I haven't the foggiest as to who the Gungan is or why they'd save a Sith's life. One of our allies who have been in hiding over the past thousand years, perhaps?

It does no good to muse.

Now, as to how I accessed a data pad and managed to escape from the Forceforsaken bog that is Naboo: The Gungan has a rather advanced expertise in biomechanical engineering and salvaged parts from the Trade Federation's battle droids abandoned on the field the same day I killed the Jedi Master Qui-Gon Jin and subsequently lost my legs (among other parts of me I highly valued, if you’ll take my meaning).

While a battle droid's legs are not the steadiest for supporting a Dathomirian torso, they are sufficient thus far for allowing me some level of independence to leave Naboo at last for the Outer Rim, where I can only hope the Galactic Republic and the Jedi Obi-Wan Kenobi may not find me as I recover and develop improved bionics for myself. For safety’s sake, I shall not record here where precisely I am hiding, only that the liquor and meals are a vast improvement over the limited diet demanded of a monk of the Dark Side.

And as for the mysterious Gungan? The moment I was hidden within the hold of a transport ship to the Outer Rim, the strange creature disappeared and has made no move to contact me. I wonder about their motivations, whatever they are, in saving the life of an ex-Sith. Surely, if they served my former master, they would have been given the order to execute me for my failings? And if they served the Republic, they would have turned me over to the Jedi?

Thoughts for another time, as I must sleep and continue my search for new and illicit employment when I awake again.

Dastardly dreaming of revenge,

Maul

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, I am back on my Star Wars crack bullshit. You're welcome.


End file.
